Tag Archives: advice

Dear Ijeawele, or a Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Screen Shot 2017-06-19 at 12.09.13 PMThis was good and I’ve yet to read something by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie that I haven’t been impressed by or hasn’t provoked me into thinking about something slightly differently than I did before. This thin, little book is composed as a letter to a friend who was seeking advice on how to raise her daughter as a feminist. Adichie offers 15 suggestions, specifically linking them to Nigerian, Igbo, and western cultures, but even these specific examples are still universal. Adichie admits that these tenants may be hard to accomplish, but we must strive to embody them to create feminists in our children and in ourselves.

A few choice quotes are below:

“Be deliberate about showing her the enduring beauty and resiliences of Africans and of black people. Why? Because of the power dynamics in the world, she will grow up seeing images of white beauty, white ability, and white achievement, no matter where she is in the world. It will be in the TV shows she watches, in the popular culture she consumes, in the books she reads. She will also probably grow up seeing many negative images of blackness and of Africans.” (p. 40)

“We ask of powerful women: Is she humble? Does she smile? Is she grateful enough? Does she have a domestic side? Question we do not ask of powerful men, which shows that our discomfort is not with power itself, but with women.” (p. 24)

“If we stopped conditioning women to see marriage as a prize, then we would have fewer debates about a wife needing to cook in order to earn that prize.” (p. 15)

“Don’t think that raising her feminist means forcing her to reject femininity.” (p. 43)

“Social norms are created by human beings, and there is no social norm that cannot be changed.” (p. 51)

How to Be a Person in the World by Heather Havrilesky

Screen Shot 2017-06-18 at 12.32.27 PMMy friend lent me this book, touting it as an advice column with Lemony Snicket realness (I’ve been in a Snicket binge recently) and it simply wasn’t that for me, nor have I ever found something that could fit that fantastic label. I had never read the advice column Ask Polly that this book is a collection of before reading this book. For me, How to Be a Person in the World is situated somewhere between my favorite advice book, Dear Sugar‘s Tiny Beautiful Things and The Best of Dear Coquette. While better than Dear Coquette, I found How to Be a Person in the World not nearly as memorable as Tiny Beautiful Things, which could be due to myriad reasons beyond the book: Maybe I’ve read too many of these advice column collections and they’ve lost their charm? Maybe it’s summer so I’m less contemplative of my head space because everything is sunny and just feels good? Maybe this was a jigsaw piece that doesn’t quite connect with my own puzzle of a heart?

That said, I underlined quotes that I enjoyed (and some are included at the end of this review) throughout reading, but none of them felt particularly revelatory and I didn’t feel “seen” when I stumbled across them. My favorite piece was the second to last entitled “Mourning Glory” about the death of a parent because of course it was. The first two quotes below are from that piece and are followed by other snazzy quotes that appear throughout the collection.

“When you lose someone very close to you, someone who makes up this essential part of your history and your future, your worldview shifts dramatically. You have a palpable feeling that everything and anything good can disappear at any time.” (p. 243)

“This is a beautiful, terrible time in your life that you’ll always remember. Don’t turn away from it. Don’t shut it down. Don’t get over it.” (p. 246)

“Being mildly depressed can fuck with your life on every level. It keeps you from feeling great at work or feeling exhilarated after a great yoga class. It turns you into someone who’s always peering into someone else’s windows, wondering why the people inside seem so passionate and happy and thrilled, wondering if they’re just simpleminded or stupid, wondering if they grew up in happier homes so they’re not damned to shuffle around in a haze of uncertainty the way that you are.” (p. 205-206)

“Letting the wrong ones show their true stripes is just as important as letting the right ones show their true strengths.” (p. 68)

“Dive into a bunch of stories about absorbing and leaning into disappointment and loss and melancholy as a way of moving through it.” (p. 116)

[the best of] dear coquette: shady advice from a raging bitch who has no business answering any of these questions

Screen Shot 2017-05-14 at 11.29.17 AMI picked up this book form of a long running advice column without being aware of the source material – it was on a display at my local library and I found the cover compelling (yep, judged the book by its cover!) so I snatched it up and dove in, enjoying the segmented chunks that allow you to quickly read when you had the time and easily pause whenever was necessary (aka a perfect type of reading when you’re balancing grad school and life).

I definitely enjoyed the vibe of Dear Sugar’s Tiny Beautiful Things (one of my favorite reads of 2016) better but I’m sure this collection will be better appreciated by others. The book reprints questions and answers from Dear Coquette, formerly Coke Talk, with a readership that seems to skew a bit younger with a few questions about high school life and plentiful college related questions. I liked the responses to these younger questions that predominantly were things like “omg have the type of your life with your young love you lil fluff ball!” but then I also found some of the questions, answers, and situations described to be gross things I hope I forever avoid. The book seems to be very hetero-focused, but so are the submitted questions.

While the author’s advice sometimes rubbed me the wrong way, the writer is very aware of that, as seen by these quotes where she describes her advice-giving strategy: “I’m wrong all the damn time” (p. 331), “I’m as completely full of shit as everyone else” (p. 335), and finally, “I’m happy to provide a surrogate background long enough for them (the readers, advice seekers) to feel what it’s like to stand up for themselves” (p. 326).

The book is organized into sections which helped categorize the questions and allowed the book to flow smoothly: Love, Sex, Drugs, Dating, Relationships, Breakups, Friends, Family, Work, Mental, Physical, Spiritual, Individual, Greater Good, and Coquette (about the anonymous writer).

Here’s a link to my favorite piece from the whole book that felt like some very necessary bluntness, and very much provided the surrogate backbone the author wants to give her readers: http://dearcoquette.com/on-not-being-a-doormat/

Some of my other favorite quotes are included below:

“If you live your life trying to avoid the possibility of future pain, you will end up a numb and timid creature without any stories worth telling.” (p. 105)

“[Q:] How do you know when to give up on someone? [A:] When they’ve shown you who they are, and it isn’t enough.” (p. 143)

“The relationship isn’t boring. Life is boring, and you’re just now noticing it for the first time as an adult because you aren’t being distracted by some youthful flavor of chaos.” (p. 144)

p.s. I think I might start reviewing the delicious coffees I use to make my amazing cold brew coffees that I indulge in when I read on weekend mornings? Good idea or best idea?